Traumas and Legacies: A Conversation with Dr. Mariel's Parents (In Spanish with English subtitles)

Dr. Mariel and her sister, Lady, sit down with their parents to discuss generational traumas, family secrets, and building generational legacies.

Break the Cycle: A Guide to Healing Intergenerational Trauma can be purchased here: https://sites.prh.com/breakthecyclebook

English transcript in show notes and on Youtube here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hbx3oWO1e5g

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Transcript

[00:01:37.230] - Dad

Well.

[00:01:38.410] - Dad

Hello Hello hello. Here we are, here we are.

[00:01:43.340] - Dad

Thank you for inviting us.

[00:01:44.200] - Mari

how do you feel? How do you feel today?

[00:01:46.480] - Dad

Wonderfully. Very good. Precisely, this has been a surprise to me that you invited us to your podcast. We know that you have a large audience and we are infinitely grateful to be here to tell you about whatever you ask us, ma?

[00:02:06.150] - Mom

Yes of course. Very, very grateful and happy to know that I am part of this and I really thank you. Thanks for inviting me.

[00:02:21.230] - Nickie

I have never seen any model of how you can have this type of conversation on the networks. People do not have it with their families in the way that I have been able to see. And I think that can be a very nice gift that we can give to people. I am always talking about healing from trauma, from stress, but I am saying it from Dr. Mariel's perspective, not from Mariel's perspective. So, now here we can talk about our things.

[00:03:03.170] - Nickie

Well, on the one hand it is a little intimidating, because they are intimate conversations that we have as a family that almost exist, I think there are very few families that have these types of conversations like this for the public. That family secrets are exposed, the things that one almost never wants to show to the public, other than intimate people in the house. I think it's a good opportunity for us to set an example.

[00:03:50.270] - Dad

We could say that this is like a kind of reality podcast.

[00:03:54.740] - Lady

Yeah. Yes Pa.

[00:03:56.330] - Mari

He needed a punch line.

[00:04:05.860] - Mari

If you can, help us understand a very beautiful thing from your childhood that has remained in your heart all these years. Let's start with mom.

[00:04:18.940] - Mom

From the beginning, yes?

[00:04:21.080] - Mari

No.

[00:04:22.260] - Lady

No.

[00:04:24.040] - Mari

No.

[00:04:25.890] - Nickie

A memory.

[00:04:26.890] - Mari

Since you are a Latina mother, we know what the story is going to be. Long, then. We want the two-minute version.

[00:04:37.480] - Lady

Yes, the American version.

[00:04:40.850] - Mom

I would like to let you know about the beautiful things, because they are things that marked me, just like the things that are not pretty. But the nice thing I can talk about is that I had a real good mother and as her first daughter, she would’ve done anything for her first daughter. But in my place, I was awarded with two moms, because I had my second mother that’s my aunt, whom raised me since age seven, for instance. And I am very grateful for both of them, in one way or another. If I'm going to talk about the nice things, I don't know how to explain so many nice things that I could have received, as well as what I don't want to say that could have happened.

[00:05:53.880] - Mari

And for you, you had these two mothers because your first mother, Mamá Tutúna, right? She obviously helped you in the first moments of your childhood. And when you were eight years old, she sent you to live with your aunt in the capital so that you could have a better education in the city, right?

[00:06:22.080] - Mom

It wasn't in itself that she sent me, it was like a raffle and one won the child. Because my aunt for me was my mother who saw me being born, she lived with my mother and loved me since then. And since she is always with me because she lived with her sister, and was always with me and we love our aunts and uncles a lot, especially if we live with them. And I learned to love my aunt for all the love she had for me. And when she selected me to be with her in the city,, it wasn't that my mom wanted me to have me taken  away, no. That was like giving me a chance, because she was already pregnant with three children and had given birth to four. And she cried when my mom went to see her for us to return back to the countryside, her only sister and her niece. She was sad and told us, leave her to me even for a week. And that was the plot of it between her and me.

[00:07:40.260] - Mari

There you stayed.

[00:07:42.840] - Mom

My mother went to look for me, the first one to start crying was me. And I remember how now that I left, I hid with a neighbor and they were looking for me. And when they took me home and my mother said no, because you know that I don't have anyone here, my aunt told her. And look, I feel alone and the children get along with her too. And let it be for two weeks. And that's where it started.

[00:08:22.780] - Mari

Two weeks to 20 years.

[00:08:25.180] - Mom

That was the plan.

[00:08:29.160] - Mom

My aunt and I were in cahoots to arrange for me to stay. When my mom returned to the countryside... she gave me a month, she returned. And I still wanted to stay. I was already a city girl. And my mother, wanted me to study here. So my aunt said, I'm going to educate you, I'm going to do this. And it really was a proposal that changed everything, but it was a good initiative and in my life, because thank God and thanks to her and my uncle-in-law, that her husband treated me like a daughter. And that is one of the reasons that we others are here in this country.

[00:09:33.480] - Mari

A very nice experience that they have given you, right?

[00:09:40.750] - Mom

Very much.

[00:09:41.750] - Mari

Dad, and for you, what is an aspect of your childhood that you remember?

[00:09:48.640] - Dad

Well, from my childhood I have great memories, good and bad. An anecdotal memory it is.

[00:10:00.000] - Dad

Is.

[00:10:01.180] - Dad

Since I was about nine years old, more or less, I always wanted to be given a gift for 3 Kings Day, because that was what is a Christmas gift here in the United States, there it is given on January 6, 3 Kings Day. The Holy Kings, is celebrated in many Latin countries. And in my country, I always had the desire to be given a scooter, a skateboard. There it is called a skateboard. Well, that's what it's called in Spanish. And there was no money to give me that skateboard. There was not. So I invented a box of... Sorry. A shoe shine box. And I started making savings. The important thing is that I sold sweets, I sold ice cream, I made a little savings and I had a homemade scooter made that I sent to be made. We boys were 8, 10, 12 years old on those scooters, those skateboards. And the big surprise was that when I had barely a week with my skateboard, I left it outside my house, while it was inside the house, someone took it.

[00:11:38.020] - Mari

Whoops.

[00:11:38.020] - Mom

Trauma.

[00:11:41.880] - Dad

That traumatized me, really. It traumatized me and I remember, that's why I broke down when I started retelling the story, because it was beautiful, but sad at the same time. I had very few negative things, but that initial point did traumatize me.

[00:12:03.440] - Dad

Really.

[00:12:04.450] - Dad

And it is something that sometimes people don't think that at the age of 65 that you just turned, that we have seen it as a blessing to be able to see that you are both at this great age, right? But after all that time, it still has an impact.

[00:12:28.940] - Mari

That memory.

[00:12:30.130] - Mari

Things from the past, when one remembers them, bring back the emotions of that moment and stay with us. The good and the bad, right? What hurts and what doesn't, the beautiful and the ugly, everything remains instilled in the being. So I can see that in how you are telling your story, like mom, when she remembered those two mothers she became enlightened, right? And 

Dad too when remembering that moment, but it also brings sadness and feels a little tender, right? The emotions are always there and stay with us.

[00:13:17.320] - Mari

Me too.

[00:13:18.910] - Mari

I know that, well, you know that I have written this book about generational trauma and how one can then find a way to survive those traumas. And we have many things within our family that have been able to help us stay united and connected, even though we have had so much pain. In your words, what do you think have been the things that have been able to keep us standing. And also united.

[00:14:03.300] - Dad

Mommy.

[00:14:07.180] - Mom

Well, for my part, I always say that God comes first of all. If it is not with Him, nothing is possible. And by understanding this part, I believe that... I believe, I'm sure, that the most important thing is to be there. Be there, because if you are not there, there is no reason for you to be a witness. The witness is the one who is there. And also seeing that where you focus your energy and the interest that you have in absorbing my presence in your life. and that that. The effort that you had to absorb our love. As I have told you two, I thank you for what you have taken in. It's me that has to thank you. Not you thanking me, because I have seen situations where mothers and fathers of very good stature, and their children have failed them. The children have not absorbed the sacrifice to climb the ladder as difficult as the ladder of childhood, until they reach the stage. You two are good women, two women who illuminate your parents’ face. Two women who at this very moment we are letting you know that we are very, very proud of what you have achieved. It has been a sacrifice of yours.

[00:16:07.540] - Mom

If you hadn't wanted to, we could have given you the entire United States and you wouldn’t appreciate it. 

[00:16:15.350] - Mari

You are welcome mom.

[00:16:19.020] - Mom

But they did want, with the little that was possible, to climb the slope by which I know you are beginning to climb. We’re going for more.

[00:16:33.180] - Nickie

Yes infinity.

[00:16:34.560] - Mom

You are girls, go for more.

[00:16:36.950] - Nickie

I think that the daughters of immigrants sometimes also have that in their hearts, that we have been able to see the sacrifices of our parents and we want to at least give them a little of that back in their old age, right? So, it's part that and part that we also have a lot of love for you but... And also, what are we...

[00:17:08.160] - Mari

We’re great

[00:17:09.340] - Mari

We’re awesome. We’re great daughters.

[00:17:11.120] - Dad

Well, I have to say with all my heart that, after God, I am very grateful to my wife, that she has been tenacious with her temperament and her actions towards you two. I admit that I have been a little more passive in terms of the rearing that my wife has helped give you. The greatest gratitude that I can have is from her, but the eternal gratitude that I must have after God to you, because since you have had an exemplary mother, very exemplary, and tenacious, hard-working woman, a woman...

[00:18:09.130] - Mari

What does tenacious mean?

[00:18:11.000] - Dad

In other words, hardworking, she makes an effort to make sure things go well. We are not going to question any type of temperament, but rather the desire for you to do things well. It has always existed in it, from the time you were born until you acquired maturity, adulthood. And I have always spoken of all the gratitude I have for her, but I am also grateful that you have had good ears, that you have been good daughters, as you are, good sisters. Well, in the general aspect, as women, many times one says, when talking about one's own people, modesty apart, without any modesty, I have to say, without modesty, that I have two exemplary daughters and that I feel very proud. Of you, that you have not only been two good daughters, but two good friends.

[00:19:16.110] - Mari

I want to show you something. Have you seen this letter?

[00:19:18.990] - Nickie

He has not.

[00:19:19.990] - Dad

No.

[00:19:21.690] - Mari

Because you say that you were more passive, but you were not passive, simply because of immigration cases, you were not physically present, but you were here with us and you sent us these letters. Do you remember? With so much love from Santo Domingo. And this is from 1997.

[00:19:58.620] - Nickie

He’s crying. It’s ok dad. You can see who is the emotional one. Well, we’re all emotional in this family. It’s ok dad.

[00:20:00.070] - Mari

But you told us that you were working and that you were doing an artistic show in which I will be master of ceremony and you were bossing us around.

[00:20:15.510] - Nickie

Photos.

[00:20:16.410] - Mari

To remember you.

[00:20:18.860] - Dad

We must specify the reason for these letters and that I was with you before. I suppose for the people who are watching us who know the real story, because they will say, but why the letters and what happened to them? Maybe I can relay the story. It turns out that we lived, you had American residency, I didn't have mine, I still had an entry via a visa, from which I came and went. And when we decided, once my wife began to process my documentation, here in 1997, a law was going to be approved in which immigrants who were undocumented were going to deport us and penalize us with 10 years, without being able to opt for any type of American document. Then I became very afraid. I had my request made at immigration. My wife had already processed the papers for me, but then many people advised me, including lawyers. And I said well, they told me if you leave, if the law is not approved, you can come in at any time. And that moment cost me eight years.

[00:21:46.680] - Mari

It hurts much.

[00:21:51.250] - Dad

Those eight years, although you went and visited me, I sent you letters. I never had that happiness in my heart. I was never a happy person until I finally met you again.

[00:22:11.860] - Mari

It is a time that feels like that law stole a lot from us and there are many people in the United States who have that experience.

[00:22:24.410] - Dad

There are many families. I have met people who have told me about that time.

[00:22:29.540] - Nickie

Well, I think that apart from the suffering, the pain, it is obvious what our family went through. I understand that I also do not believe that the opportunity would have happened as it did back then for us to be able to travel so much to our country, where we were born, where we grew up, and have that family connection that we came to have during that time. I met cousins that I had not seen since my childhood, family members that I also never got to share with them until then. And on the personal side, I think that for me it was a moment of development, because I was able as the first daughter and also as the most responsible person in the family, in our little family, that was then formed, because when we stayed with mom, it was Mariel, mom and me. I then had to take on certain responsibilities, which if you had been here, I would not have had to take them on. And that was part of my growth, which I think has helped shape me into the person I am today. And I don't know if that opportunity would have been given to me. That's why I have always believed that in everything there is a positive side, a negative side, but that each experience gives us the opportunity to learn something.

[00:24:32.220] - Mari

I have never seen it from that perspective, but it is true because you were the motivation for us to go to Santo Domingo. But if not, we would have stayed here with many of the families we know and our extended family who have stayed in this environment here, only in the United States and would not have had a Dominican Christmas. And they didn't go to the Malecón .

[00:25:01.200] - Nickie

We once we spent almost an entire summer there.

[00:25:05.410] - Mari

And we saw the Rosarios brothers. In the concert. In New Year. And then we went to the beach. The next day. And those are the things that we remember.

[00:25:17.040] - Nickie

Yes, that experience. Very nice moments that we have in those memories. It wasn’t only sadness.

[00:25:27.840] - Mari

Well, our family, I think, has many legacies that we don't..., but also your parents and people like Titi Nerys and Titi Nini, y Pisa. And many people who have not given part of their love and their legacy. Nixaliz and I have absorbed a lot of that too, Aiden. But from your perspective, what do you want to be, let's say, a...? …because there are several, you understand, but one legacy that they would like to leave to us, the next generation and the one that follows.

[00:26:19.490] - Mom

Well, for my part as a mother, humbly. I went as far as I could. What I didn't do is because I couldn't get there, but it's not that I didn't want to. In my case, you have always been a blessing to my life. A blessing that I wrote in my journal, from the moment you cried, in my bed, the pain had already gone and I began to write. A light came, a hope came, the princess, and so I have memory of what I received, what I have longed for and valued so much. And for me, after God, you are the greatest things that could have happened in my life.

[00:27:31.230] - Nickie

I believe that a mother's prayers are something that, especially in our Latin culture, is something very valuable. We have the custom from generation to generation to ask for our parents' blessing, because we know that this is something that has great meaning. That mom is the person that we are always looking for, like that approval, that blessing that comes from her at all times of big things, of transformations in life. That is something that has been instilled and comes from generation to generation.

[00:28:33.710] - Mari

Dad, your legacy, what would you say?

[00:28:38.460] - Dad

Well, I would say that the legacy that I could leave you and you have acquired, which is optimism, faith, faith in itself. You have confidence in yourself, in what you do. They do it with so much love, with so much effort, that is, with firmness. And there is no better legacy than that, than doing things with faith, because it grounds you, and you cultivate optimism. In other words, even if something goes wrong, I get something good out of that negativity. Not everything is negative and everything negative has something good. As we just talked about, precisely about the trauma that I went through when I had to separate from you, you explained how beautiful that was and how traumatic it was for me and for you and for my wife, to be separated involuntarily, a resentment could’ve been left in our family. So, your optimism is the best legacy I can leave you. The optimism, the faith, the fact that they continue like this. I don't have to tell you to do anything else, because so far there isn’t the slightest complaint that you have acted well, because you have all done it with conviction, convinced that you can and that you are individually fighting for your own lives.

[00:30:13.310] - Dad

You have been adults since you were little. Although it pains me to say it, because I wanted to have been present in that transformation, in that metamorphosis of your life from childhood to adulthood, but I have taken great advantage of those experiences that you have acquired and that is the most beautiful legacy that I can leave you, optimism and faith, self-confidence.

[00:30:56.880] - Nickie

But I think also dad’s sense of humor. 

[00:31:15.520] - Mari

With a lot of humor, Don Danubio.

[00:31:17.650] - Nickie

With a lot of humor, dad, you imitated characters. Were they made up or were they based on someone you know?

[00:31:28.520] - Dad

No, they were created by me, those same ones that you saw that I did on television, were the characters I created were a kind of satire, that is, an imitation of what other characters could be, like the deputy Poesán Camejo, like there was never a Poesán Camejo, but it was imitating some deputies, I am talking about our country (DR), from the congress, who got there simply by having political relations with a party, but they did not have the slightest knowledge of what it was like to draft a bill, contribute something for the nation around the formation of society and is always they were trying to implement ridiculous things and things that were not right, no.